I think I speak for all of us Gurus here when I say that we’re fans of Wonka candy.  Bottle Caps, Nerds, Sweetarts, Spree, there’s a lot to love there.  However, they also have the ability to spew out a few stinkers every now and again (see: their entire new line of chocolate, Runts, Laffy Taffy).  One of their varieties that I rarely buy is “Everlasting Gobstoppers”.  My memory is going to hell, so I occasional think I haven’t tried them, forgetting that I have.  I  need some of that super brain food or something, ’cause I can’t make this mistake again.  I won’t.

Everyone’s seen “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory”, right? If not, you should be ashamed as a candy lover. And really, the original is much better (with Gene Wilder), but the Johnny Depp Tim Burton remake aint half bad either. The point is, there’s a bunch of kids that win a trip to the Wonka candy factory. During their trip, they get to tast a bunch of Wonka’s secret new recipes-The Everlasting Gobstopper being one of them.

The concept? Simple. A jawbreaker that never ends.

Now, I get that making a candy like this is:

1. Impractical for a candy maker. No return customers!
2. Impossible.
3. Stupid.

However, the result that Willy has spewed out bears little resemblance to the giant, round Ostrich eggs that the kids were sucking in the movie.

These things are maybe the size of a marble.  Maybe.  As for their flavors, that’s the problem.  You know how when you eat any candy with a “candy coating” over the actual candy, it’s hard to taste the flavor of the coating?  The coating usually just tastes sweet, and since it has wax on it to make it shiny, the flavor is dampened even further.

Well, that’s not only how the coating of these taste, it’s how every layer tastes.  After all, the Gobstopper is just coating over coating over coating, over a small, powdery tangy center.  I like the taste of the center, but it’s not even close to worth it to get through all the blandness.  Coating hell of nothingness except general, artificial “candy” flavor, then a minor payoff in the middle.  No.

As for the “Everlasting” claim- not even close.  Real jawbreakers are insanely hard and do in fact take days to get through, even if you’re a diligent candy fiend with lots of free time.  These take about 2-5 minutes of sucking before they’re easily bitten and broken down.  Perhaps that explains why you get a box full and not the obvious alternative of just one?

Look, I’m not tryin’ to hate on Wonka or kids who like these.  They just don’t make sense.  They’re not something you can suck on for hours, and they don’t taste good.

One and done.  Not buying these again, regardless of how bad my short-term memory becomes.