I’m gonna generalize a bit.

Mexican food rocks.

Margaritas are always good to me, even when they’re made with shitty Tequila.

I even love Ranchero music, no shit.

But when it comes to candy?…..They don’t know shit.

Case in point, Dulche Suave De Lech. Recently, a friend went to Sayulita, Mexico (big shout out to Bill Files, way to go kid), and brought us back a treasure trove of Mexican candies. As you can see from this photo, everything looks on the up & up when they’re in the bag:

Sure, it was after midnight when Matty & I busted them out, and sure, no one was sober, but…that should only make the experience better, right? My mouth expected chewy, caramel/sweet dulce de leche love. What I got was…something different. Something dark.

Immediately, as you put a tooth on this thing, it gives. Zero chew. No resistance. Then, you’re surrounded with a wall of sweet-not a bad sweet, but an overwhelming sweet. It did have that familiar Caramel/Dulche de Leche flavor, but it’s what it doesn’t have that’s more disturbing: none of the salty flavor that cuts the sweet wave of caramel is there. As we’ve said here before, candy’s like an entree in a fine dining restaurant-it can’t just have one aspect to its flavor profile, or it’s boring. And gross. Would you order a piece of soft fish with soft creamed corn and soft mashed potatoes? If you’re 73 and it’s 4:30 at the Early Bird Special at Applebees MAYBE. But not you. Not now.

So when I chew on these, I get nothing. But as bad and cloying as the flavor is, it’s the consistency that’s worse. Like I said, there’s NO chew to this-it just falls apart on your mouth. And it’s grainy. As in, you can taste the sugar granules as you “chew it”. Seriously, we thought the conversation a the Dulche Suave candy plant :

Owner: “So guys, how’s it going?”
Worker: “Well, OK, but we just started making them”
Owner: “Great, let me taste one”
Worker: “But…they’re not COOKED yet.”
Owner: (Eating one) “Excellent”
Worker: “Sir, there’s raw eggs in there, I really think–”
Owner:”Let’s get these boxed up, I really think we have something here. Chop chop!”
Worker:”But SIR, we haven’t MADE the candy yet! It’s just ingredients mixed together in a bowl!”
Owner: “Outstanding!  Ship it”

Realistic, right? Because if the conversation didn’t go that way, and these AREN’T a mistake green-lit by a psychotic candy tycoon, then…I just don’t know. I don’t get how Mexicans can like these. I would never, ever eat these in place of any other caramel treat in existence. If that doesn’t summarize my feelings on the subject, then nothing will.