I’m not really sure why I got so fired up about trying the two new gummy candies from Wonka. Was it because their candy generally rules? Or was it because someone from Wonka contacted me about sending us free samples?

It must have been the former, as (cough cough) those “free samples” never arrived.

Let me just say this here and now: we don’t EVER expect anyone to send us anything for free. We’re too old and smart for that. We get it. We’re in a recession, and  the concept of marketing and self promotion has to take a back seat sometimes. But if you tell me that you’re sending me something and then you don’t? Well sir…then yer kind of a lame-o.

I’m sure the entire Wonka corporation is crumbing to its knees reacting to this devastating news from the Candy Gurus….or not.  Regarldess though, my Mom always taught me to finish what I start (cough cough), so let’s get this review going.

Here’s Big Will Style’s two latest offerings:

Wonka Sluggles:

Wonka Sour Puckerooms:

If you think about it, it is sort of odd that Wonka took so long to enter the gummy candy game.  Everyone makes gummies.  My mom makes gummies.  Actually she doesn’t folks, I kid!

I WISH she did though.  That’d be sweet.

First, let’s jump into the worm-themed regular gummies.

Folks…I don’t really know what to say about these except for…they taste exactly like they look:

Like your garden variety average generic gummy.

Like the kind of gummy that you get out of a bag in a discount pharmacy in Iowa City.

Like a gummy that your kid gets from another snot-nosed kid’s birthday party.

In other words: not interesting. Not good.

The consistency is same-y.  Boring, not chewy enough.   But it’s the flavors that suck so much ass on this one. Strawberry, Orange, Grape and Lemon.  Don’t get me wrong, that’s a GREAT selection of flavors, so I was stoked to try them.  But…they don’t taste like these fruits.  I don’t know WHAT they taste like, but if I had to categorize, I’d say “candy flavored”.  Yet another FAIL for candy flavor.  There’s just nothing interesting at ALL about these. The fact that I’m still talking about them is bumming me out, so let’s wrap this up.  Throw them in the “suck” category, peeps.

Moving up the food chain a scoshe, we have the Sour Puckerooms:

These bad boys come in only three flavors : lemon/lime, grape, and cherry.

Grape?!!  Wow, I thought the candy world had abandoned this flavor, so I’m stoked to see it back.  I loves grapes.  And sour grapes are my specialty in the candy world AND in real life, so imagine my excitement!

These shrooms are really in a different world from the Sluggles. First, they’re sour. Second, the consistency is WAY different: firm, chewy…actually, very impressive. Third and perhaps most importantly, the flavors are really good. I like the fact that’s there’s only 3 flavors, it makes it easier to discern them from each other.  But why in the world would these flavors be good, and the Sluggles be bad?  Both are made with natural ingredients, so something’s not adding up.  Sadly, I’m not a food scientist, so I can only speculate.  I can tell you though, these work.

I tried the poopy Sluggles first, so you can probably imagine that I was fully ready to hate these Puckerooms, but…I’m happy to report that as far as widely available sour gummies go, these seriously might be your best bet. They have a nice, tough chew, and good solid flavor. I’d have to say though, they’re not really “sour”, but more tart. Regardless, I’d definitely buy them again.  Never over Haribo gummies, but in Target?  Sure.

Finally, let’s just take a moment of silence to muse on the fact that these candies are shaped and named in honor of worms and mushrooms.

Everyone done? Good.