As Americans, we can’t leave well enough alone.  We feel that delicious thin crust pepperoni pizza is insufficient.  We have to stuff the crust with more cheese, cheesy bacon sauce, or hot dogs.  Burgers now must be injected with gooey cheese that explodes when you take a bite.  Hell, we shoot alcohol into watermelons so we can get our kids drunk at picnics.  Basically, we’re lowbrow innovators.

A few years back, the filled licorice craze began, and sadly, not just in America.  There’s tons of varieties of filled gummies, licorice, even taffies.  Generally, this is how we feel about them.

The people at Welch’s asked if they could send us some of their new product, so of course, we said yes.  I started salivating at the prospect of shredding another failed entry into the filled candy market.

They came in two flavors: grape and strawberry.  As I opened them up, the first thing I noticed was that the licorice was nicely dense and firm. When I cut it open for the cross section porn shot, the goo didn’t dribble out. So far, so good.

First, I tried the strawberry.  Then I tried the grape.  And folks?  I’m here to eat my hat.  Sadly, it’s my 1989 SF Giants hat that holds years of sweat stains and frustration, so it’s a big deal.  These things are good.  And not just good- they actually are unique and interesting, and very satisfying.  And here’s why: what sets these apart from all the other clutter in the market is that the substance these are filled with is yummy.  Why?  Because it’s more or less Welch’s jam, can ya dig it??!  And don’t tell me you didn’t love Welch’s strawberry and/or grape jam as a kid, because you did.  We all did.  That’s what makes us Americans.  That, and an insatiable appetite for reality TV.

As I mentioned before, the bite on these isn’t hard, but it’s firm and solid.  Inside, we really just get a glimpse-nay, an inkling, of that delicious jam goodness.  It’s so subtle, and I appreciate that.  I don’t need crap running down my chin.  The serving size of the package is more than reasonable as well-not too many in the bag.  And I like that.  Because I’d put these in Jonny Guru Jr.’s Clone Wars lunch box.  Not because I’d kid myself that these are healthy, but because he digs on the licorice, and this isn’t an absurd amount of sugar for him to eat, especially when you compare it to how much crap he usually eats.  Seriously, homeboy weighs like 50 pounds, has no body fat to speak of, but consumes only burgers, sugar, pizza, candy, frozen yogurt, chicken nuggets and green beans.  Gotta get that veg in.

I’m recommending these to y’all, not because of the nutritional info, but because they’re damn good.  It’s an interesting concept to pair a run of the mill licorice with a classic taste from our childhood.  I like the forward thinking, and I like these.  My name is Jonny Guru, and I endorse this product.