This one is vexing to write if not downright perPLEXing. It could go so many ways. There’s the “it tastes like crap!” obvious take, or the semi-xenophobic “Made in Poland? I should have known it would suck.” I could go with “it’s a company I’ve never heard of – perhaps there’s a reason for that…”, or I could point out packaging foibles, “Beware the milk chocolate advertised as ‘Real.'” So many elements simply say: “don’t buy this shit.” And yet, I did. And now you must read about it.

The candy is called PB&J’s by the currently-unknown-to-me “Excellent Baron” company. The packaging sure is happy and of course the content seems fun enough and —- I love peanut butter and jelly! In fact, why hasn’t a chocolate bar done this yet? Perhaps they have and I don’t know about it, good readers?

So of course even though the package preposterously said $3.39 for 8 individually wrapped bars, I still went ahead and bought. The bar had to be at least decent, right? I grew up on PB&J and I’d still eat it daily if someone made me my lunch everyday.

Well. hm. Perhaps the good people of Poland ain’t never had no PB&J. Perhaps they’re going into this blind.

Because this stuff sucks.

I gave it to Mrs. Guru to try before she had seen the packaging…

(Now it’s safe to say that PB&J tastes like nothing else, right? And this isn’t the same for all chocolate candy bars. I mean, I could give you a chocolate hazelnut bar and it wouldn’t be soooo ridiculous if you thought it was just plain milk chocolate. Hell, those Europeans do all Sorts of shit to their chocolate. But as soon as I tell you something is “peanut butter and jelly” flavored, now c’mon, that’s a one-of-a-kind.)

…So I says to Mrs. Guru I says, “what do you taste? don’t look at the packaging and just tell me the flavors.” And she says to me all straight forward like, “fruit jelly and chocolate.” “That’s it?” I say? “Yes, what else am I supposed to taste?” she says. “Well that would be Fucking PEANUT BUTTER beeyatch!”

OK I didn’t end the conversation with that last sentence but – I was thinking it! And the beyatch wasn’t Mrs. Guru. Oh No. it was the whole state of Poland. And I was sad, just oh so very sad that this bar in some way could be called PB&J’s. Sigh.

So here’s the rundown if you care:

• The peanut butter is the same kind of PB you get in bad PB candies. Doesn’t taste anything like the real thing. Nuff said.
• The Jelly is too sweet. Overtones of strawberry for sure but not obvious.
• The milk chocolate is pedestrian.
• I ate one full piece, a part of another, and am now done forever.

One potential plus? The individual packages are all 60 cals each. If you are counting, these make it easy. Mind you, if these are the sweets you’re choosing to eat on your diet, you have WAY bigger problems than weight. Better to be fat than eat these. Yes, I just wrote that.

I got these at Powell’s, real life in person. This may be on the interwebs somewhere, who knows. If you want it, you find it.