I just reviewed the excellent Cadbury Dairy Milk Caramel bar recently, so I thought it might be fitting to post this similar confection by Cadbury this week.  To me, when I ordered both, this one sounded vastly superior: Caramel Chew.  What’s not to like?  I love caramel, but more importantly, I love chewing!  I chew stuff all the time, like….every day.

I was excited.

I spent a few moments trying to figure out if little dude on the wrapper was into the martial arts, or just perhaps blind, trying to find his way around with his hands, or finally, maybe a traffic controller?  Also, I tried to figure out what any of those things had to do with candy, and came up short.  At the time, I didn’t think too much of it.  Now, …it haunts me.

Check it out:

It looks like….hmm.  I don’t know.  Maybe a Charleston Chew, but flatter?  Hard to tell what’s going on, so let’s jump into the gut-shot:

Well now, that looks good, doesn’t it?

WELL IT’S NOT.

AT ALL.

Here’s what this thing is: maybe/sorta/slightly/perhaps caramel flavored marshmallow-like stuff enrobed in an EXTREMELY thin layer of chocolate.  So it’s a marshmallow.

Hated it.  Actively didn’t enjoy it.  What the fuck, Cadbury?  Is this one of those American-only knockoff variations we’ve heard so much about? Or should I say “Aboot”, if it’s from Canada?!  Not this time.  This log of duke is imported from….New Zealand?  Yep.  That’s right.

And now we have the quandary solved.  Hey New Zealand, stick to what you’re good at (making Hobbit movies, being a badass place to live, general kiwi things), but stop making these.  Please, for the love of all that’s holy or ever was, these are terrible.  The chocolate bears no resemblance to any sort of satisfying milk chocolate, and no one-and I feel comfortable speaking for all of us here-wants a marshmallow shaped like a candy bar.

Hey, I’ll get down with a boring old Hershey’s bar.  Gladly.  I might not love them (Mrs. Guru does though, even though she only used to like dark chocolate) but there’s nothing “wrong” with them.  There’s something very very wrong with these, and I don’t want even one more caramel loving fool like myself to mistake this for something tasty.

It’s not.  Enough said.