Ya kind of know how this one is gonna end, don’t you?  What are the chances of a video game merch tie-in product actually being yummy?

I’m mortal like everyone else, so yes, I had my dalliance with Candy Crush early on. Let’s face it, it’s addictive-and I’m still addicted to match 3 type games. But I’ve moved on from the crush.  That doesn’t mean I don’t respect the gorgeous visuals and satisfying sounds in the game. Can the candy, albeit silent, hold up on the visual side?

Hmm…looks good, but kinda generic. What about the shapes of the candies?

….okayyyyyyy.  I see what they were trying to do. Not bad, not bad. But not great, cause the only one that snaps me back to the game is the red jelly bean.  Maybe it’s been too long since I’ve played. Maybe these candies were rushed, in an all-out attempt to cash in and take more money from Tweens or Tweens’ parents. I don’t know. I don’t have the analytics. But one thing’s for sure: these are horrible.

These  gummies represent everything wrong with candy these days. And not because they’re “bad”- but instead, because they’re just “meh”.  I’d strongly prefer a candy to be bad rather than just…passable, because so many Gummies out there are in fact, just passable. And people buy them, and eat them, and think they like them.

Folks, you don’t like them. You can’t.  They’re just sweet chewy things, and while that might be better than eating eggplant, (sue me, I hate eggplant. It’s only one of two things I don’t like to eat.) it’s not good enough. It encourages shitty candy companies, like the ones that made these, to make more mediocre garbage like this. There’s nothing interesting about the way these taste, nothing memorable, and definitely nothing original.

Someone, please buy up the remainders of these and burn them, town square style, for everyone to see.  Yes, it will make a colorful sticky, scalding stench, but maybe it will send a message that we’re not gonna take this crap anymore!  And we’re certainly not going to buy it.