Charms and I go way back.  Wayyyy way back.

First, in young childhood, I started out with Charms Pops.  Good, simple.  Better than doctor’s offices lollipops, at least.  Then, at some point later, they developed Sweet & Sour pops, which were obviously better, because & stuff.

But the real sea change came (unbeknownst to me at the time) when I was but a wee lad in 1973.  That’s the year Charms came out with Blow Pops.  Ahh, Blow Pops.  All throughout my middle school years I loved them.  Often at the video arcade, I’d grab as many as a dollar would buy and just suck and suck-and yes, you guessed it.  Suck some more.  Didn’t suck at Galaga or Joust, though.

So basically, fond memories.  Hell, I even remember making pilgrimages to Costco in college to buy bulk containers of tuna, cheap whiskey, and other useless crap.  I’d never leave without a box of Blow Pops.

And now…this.  This???

Hell yes, this!  What could be better than blow pops, you ask?  How about scores of small blow pops, sans sticks?  The packaging was colorful, and I was at the grocery store with Jonny Jr.  ‘Nuff said, we bought them.  And opened the bag.

Hmm.  Ok, I guess.  They look kinda small though.

What.  The.  Hell.  Small?  Try microscopic.  Cat kibble size. I included the bowl in the picture for perspective: and it aint a big bowl.  These are tiny.  So what does that mean?

Well, the good news is that it doesn’t really mean much with regards to flavor-those are still good.  Watermelon, Blue Razz. Cherry & Sour Apple.  Literally, the 4 most popular American candy flavors these days.  I got no beef with that, cause y’all, I’m American as hell.  But here’s what I do take umbrage with: THE ENTIRE EXECUTION OF THIS CANDY.   See, they’re so tiny that the infintessimally puny piece of gum inside can’t possibly be considered gum on any planet.  Because it’s so small, it simply won’t “chew”.  It’s like a stray shred of gum from a bag of Big League Chew (which is awesome).  Thinking about it now, I’m not even sure if the gum inside these Blow Pop Minis is as BIG as one shred of Big League Chew.  I don’t think it is.

You can’t chew it.  So…it’s not gum.  But you also can’t swallow it, cause in theory it’s gum.  See the problem here?

I really wanted these to rock, but they’re so far from being good, that while it pains me to say it, I can’t recommend them at all.  What Charms should have done was to simply cut the size of a Charms Blow Pop in half, or possibly in thirds, while making sure that the size of the gum inside was large enough for a human to chew.  If necessary, use a different ratio than the normal pops, using more gum than usual to allow for the smaller candy shell size.  It’s not that complicated, Charms.  If it’s gonna have the word “blow” in the name, one has to be able to at least chew it-let alone blow a bubble.

Ya messed up, son.  Messed up big time.