Hmm.  Well.  What do we have here?

Kaubonbons.  Think Starburst.  They didn’t even try to go outside the box with flavors, it’s just three: orange, lemon and strawberry. This isn’t a bad thing, but it aint really setting the table up right for me to be impressed.

Look familiar?  I mean…If I saw these on the ground, I’d think they WERE Starburst. We get it, you’re trying to compete with Starburst: the question is, can you?

Immediately though, I like this.  I like the colors, because they imply that they come from nature.  I mean look at them: who would choose to use such shitty, muted coloring if they had an entire palette of artificially colors to choose from?  It could be a hoax, in which case I’d say Bravo.  Bravo, fine Madames and Sirs.  Great con job.

Here’s where things start to get a bit weird.  When I tried the “pull apart” test, the piece almost immediately squashed, but it had odd resilience-not unlike a shproingy marshmallow.  Not a good sign, because you know where this is all going: into my old cake hole.

I tried them all. They’re not good.  And also, they’re bad.  Because the whole eating experience is a mess. First, you get an oddly soft yet holding together chew with no real strong fruit flavors. What is strong is a cream or milky undertone-all of them had it, and it’s gross.  I could get behind it IF these were “fruit & cream” flavors.  Hell, I think Chupa Chup even DOES have some of those, but these very clearly on the bag are not them.  Yet we taste it.

They’re not sour, they’re not interesting, and they have an odd consistency and weird milk action going on.

Hard pass.

Look, Starburst, in America, invented a candy type that lots of people have tried to copy. And almost ALL of them have made a better candy than the ‘burst.  These though?  They’re just shitty.  Confusing taste, disappointing eating experience….they have nothing going on.

I’m really angry.