Remember that genius quip from “The Brady Bunch”? Everyone’s favorite episode. Now, if you want to feel like Cindy on the school yard, look no further than Cry Baby Tears:

I actually tried these about a decade ago, a random purchase in a convenience store on Haight Street, back when there was a reason to go to Haight Street (Ameoba Records). I think it’s still there, but..CDs? Please. Anyhow, I hadn’t had them since then, and since my memory is shot, it was almost like trying them for the first time!

I can describe these things quite easily for you: super fuc*ing sour Sweetarts.

Now, what you probably just heard me say was “hey, these are like more sour Sweetarts! Awesome!”. No. I’m saying they’re SUPER FUC*ING SOUR. Like super yummy mouth puckering sour….but also in the “Sweet Fancy Moses, these things are ripping the lining of my mouth off!” sour.

If you’re like me, you dig eating an entire roll of Sweetarts or Spree or some such artificially flavored delight in one sitting. Why? Cause it’s fun! And yummy. And habit forming. With these though, you can’t do that. Trust me, in the name of our faithful readers, I tried. About 3/4 through, I noticed that I was dreading the moment I’d put another in my mouth, so against my better instincts I stopped. But then I eyed the box, just sitting there…mocking me. Thinking it’s better than me. So I’d dip back into it, and viola! More mouth shredding.

I have mixed feelings about these, but ultimately…I have to recommend them! Yep, I do. The main reason is that they don’t mess around. In a world full of “sour” candy that’s simply tart, or that’s sour for 2 seconds than cloyingly sweet…it’s nice to have some truth in advertising. These things advertise on the box that you’re gonna freak out if you eat these. I mean, look at the dude..he’s practically BEGGING you NOT to try them. He’s telling it like it is.

The other reason I like these things is due to the back of the box:

Hear me out on this one. I’m not gonna say that this is educational and therefore good, but…wait. I am gonna say that. And here’s why : little Sammy Snot Nose might or might not even LOOK at the back of the box. But if he does, and reads it while his mouth is engaged in a war of pain, he might retain some of this info. Think about it and I’m sure you’ll agree-some little nuggets you learn from the most random places, and learning them one at a time instead of all at once in a school room sometimes does the trick.

For instance, I didn’t even know that Rhode Island was a STATE, let alone that the capital is Providence. So I’ve already learned something from eating candy, and maybe little Sammy can too. They come in five flavors, but…who cares? They’re all “good” and none of them taste like anything but sweet and sour “fruit”, so…it doesn’t matter. This candy isn’t about flavor matching, clearly.

All kidding aside though, (I wasn’t kidding about me not knowing about this fabled “Rhode Island”, just about Sammy) I like these. A large handful should do it for portion size though, or deal with the mouth pain later. You’ve been warned.