First you’re called Yugoslavia, then you go through a phase and want us to call you Croatia.  And we were good with that.  We get it, we support change.  But seriously Dawg…you guys gotta pull your heads out and make some decent candy.  Exhibit A was this hot mess of banana chocolate…something we reviewed last year.  Exhibit B?  These things.

Ahh, I know what you’re thinking.  “Jonny, this bag looks amazing!  Very Japanese, very clean, why are you being such a dick?”  A lot of people think that-it’s not just you.  To be fair though, when my pal gave me these, I was extremely optimistic based off the look of the bag.  It’s sleek!  What we have once opened appears to be a traditional soft taffy squad: i.e., a Starburst clone.

Still loving the look.  Pretty easy to tell the flavor based on the picture-I think the bag includes orange, lemon, raspberry and cherry.

No points off for the oddly dull colors-they’re fine.  Know what’s not fine though?  the taste.  Egads.

As if it’s not bad enough to be offensively soft-to the point that the piece immediately falls apart as soon as you start chewing-it’s also not very tasty.  Nothing about these is accurate, or fun and exciting, or extreme, like a very tart or sour thing-they’re just amazingly boring, plain, and soft.

So here’s what I’m gonna do: I’m going to challenge all of Croatia to recommend to us a great Croatian candy.  We’ve reviewed a couple decent ones in years past, but for the most part, the pickings are slim. I promise we’ll be impartial and fair, because we’re rooting for you: we don’t want any countries to be saddled with shit candy, but dude…so far you’re that guy.

Happy New Year, Croatia.

NOW GET TO WORK!