Look, I get it: I’m old. 3 years ago I badly sprained my ankle playing volleyball. 2 months ago I badly sprained my knee playing volleyball. Since then, it’s been all swimming for me, not other sports. Feeling fresh and ready to get back in the game, I hit the softball field yesterday. Within 10 minutes I was a collapsed shell of a man on the infield dirt. Same knee, same shit.

I guess it’s my fault, I should have worn a brace or something, but whatev. What’s done is done. My mission now is to shun all things exercise related, and pack on @ 8 pounds a year until my eventual and unavoidable death. It’ll be a lot more fun this way, trust me.

So fuck my knee. He can screw off, I don’t need him. And speaking of jerks, let’s take a look at this
Dorian fruit hard candy my homeboy’s wife hooked me up with after her recent trip to China:

Sounds tasty, right? If you can read the language, I suppose, but I can’t. I do however recognize the Dorian fruit, and I’ve tried the real thing before, so of course my interest is piqued. For those of you who haven’t, Dorian fruit is notorious for reeking to high hell. You’re not allowed to bring them on most airlines, and trust me- if you bust one open at work you’ll never hear the end of it. I think the smell is best described as garlic meets feet meets ass. Seriously. The odd thing though is that it tastes good. A very unique flavor, but it’s sweet, herbal, and a bit savory.

I decided to just open one candy the other night for the smell. HEYOOO! Wow. It reeked, exactly like the real fruit does. Double wow.

Last night however, I decided to go for it. Here’s the play by play: I open it, pop it in my mouth, just as my nose catches the smell. And ladies & gents, I lie not here–my mouth had a physical, involuntary reaction. As soon as it came in, it came out. I gagged that shit out. The taste was like a muddled, confused version of Dorian fruit. it had the garlic, the ass, but it also felt like gross mayo. Seriously gross. I’m sure the sweetness might have come out, but dude…I wasn’t about to hang out that long. Total reject. Fail.

And let me stress- I’m an adventurous eater. I’ll eat Uni all day. In fact, ANY Asian food you can throw at me I’ll not only eat, but I’ll love, it’s my favorite cuisine in the world. Head cheese? No prob. Sweet breads? Word.

Dorian fruit candy? Hell to the no. This boy’s OUT on that one. But still, it was hella cool for my friends to think of me and pick me up something. Cause ANY candy is better than no candy-usually. In this case…we got another spitter.

You’ve been warned.