I read about a new “candy” that was being released : Sour flavored raisins. Before you poo poo the idea, hear me out. Always hoping for a healthier yet still yummy candy alternative, I envisioned the raisins that come in “Raisin Bran” cereal. Remember those?:

The only raisins I’ve ever liked. Hard, chewy, a scoshe salty, delightful. I was picturing this style of hella stale shriveled raisin, but with intense sour flavoring. Could they pull it off?

On paper, I was delighted at the varieties they offered: sour orange, lemon, peach and green apple. The packaging is cute too:

But first, a moment on the name. Raisels? Why? Why not (wait for it) “CRAZE-UNS! The crazy sour raisins!” Right? I just don’t get “raisels”. Sounds like how my son would pronounce raisins when he’s trying to be cute.

As I opened the plastic wrap outside of these boxes, the smell was intoxicating- really strong fruit sour flavors. I was pre-salivating (not to be confused with hangover pre-salivation which is the only early warning sign of impending pre-pukage). Out of the box, they looked as one would guess:

Golden raisins?  Really?  Meh.  Staying the eternal optimist, I ventured in.  Everything changed when I popped a few into my mouth. Literally, they hurt my teeth-not from being too hard–quite the opposite. They hurt my teeth because they were too sweet. WAY too sweet, and additionally, WAY too soft. Saying these are fresh and soft is like saying that the Pacific Ocean is big. Or that Charlie Sheen has “issues”. Or that the SF Giants are “pretty good”.  These almost melted in my mouth, which I’m sure many will love.  Me? Not so much.  Just not what I was wanting or expecting.

I was hoping these would be a healthier alternative to a sour gummy. Otherwise, what’s the point? So after it became clear that they weren’t for me, I mentioned to Mrs. Guru that at least they’d work for li’l Jr.-that kid’ll eat anything. However, she pointed out that she already gives him snacks like that in his lunch, specifically these things.  I then said “at least these are made with real fruit and thus have to be healthier!”  She pointed to the nutritional labels on the package of Bunny Snacks vs. the box of Raisels.  Wrong again, almost twice the calories in the Raisels.  Fine, I volleyed-but the Raisels have 100% Vitamin C, Goddammit!  She pointed at the Bunny Snacks, which rock 100% themselves.

So there ya have it.  Sorry Raisels.  I tried, but…I can’t come up with any reason to buy you.  Certainly, if there’s a fresh raisin sour loving kid out there, then these are pure gold.  For me though, there had to be a mitigating factor to have these make more sense.  As is though?  I’ll stick to sour gummies.  Same health-wise, better taste-wise.  If you’re into it though, the word is that you can find these in “your grocer’s” dried fruit section.

You guys have grocers, right?