Novelty sweets sure have evolved. From candy that looks like cancer sticks to squeezable red syrupy ketchup to go on your gummy hotdog. Yet, the same basic tenet that defines ‘novelty’ still holds true: the confection must LOOK like something that absolutely isn’t a sweet and it must be coveted by a slow-witted 10 year old who thinks it’s a gas to chomp on candy Lincoln Logs.

So now we’re here with Toxic Waste. (Thanks to Craig, a work colleague, who went away to the Pacific Northwest for a holiday and made sure to ignore his better half long enough to find some crap to bring back for me to review – I mean if that doesn’t define a candygurus fan then what does? Note that he also had the fortitude to bring me back an Idaho Spud that I promptly panned…)

Toxic Waste has novelty written all over it. It’s a substance that’s simply hee-haw-larious to think about eating: “OH no – God NO I couldn’t POSSSIBLY be eating real toxic waste! Please Stop! Ha Ha oh no …No, No I can’t!!” And it has funny things on the package like a rating table asking ‘how long can you keep one in your mouth?’ 15 secs is a “Total Wuss!” but if you can keep it in a full 60 secs then yr a “FULL TOXIE HEAD!”

I’m sorry – but that’s what they came up with? Total wuss and full toxie head? How about…if you can only keep the candy in your mouth for 15 secs, then yr “Haplessly Untoxical” and if you go the full minute you are “ABSOTOXY WASTETASTIC!” Use it. Keep it. Yr welcome.

One thing I found strangely disconcerting about Toxic Waste is the little candies inside the barrel had no pretense of Toxic Waste. They were neatly prepackaged little squares. The candies should have been half hard and half gelatinous ooze spilling out of the top in wild colors. Talk about missed opportunities.

And yet – the warnings on the label, like “caution – consuming more than one in a brief period of time may cause irritation to the mouth…” was enticing.

Enough of the preamble. I know, you want the skinny: these things are so fucking sour. Seriously. They are ridonculous. If you decide to simply suck them, and not bite? Your mouth will fall out. They will make you wince, cringe, shiver and shake. Yr mouth will water and quiver and you’ll want to spit it out but instead you’ll bite and that biting of the candy will ease the pain since the sour acid sugar is all on the outside, and the inside is all simple sugar hard candy. The flavors are ok I think. But who cares. That’s not the point of these. The point is to keep it in your mouth for a minute and be ABSOTOXY WASTETASTIC baby!