There’s so much preamble to this review.

First, let’s talk spice. I posit that if you like spicy food, and you like candy, then you like spicy candy. If A = B and B = C then A = C.

It’s simple math.

Second, what defines candy? Can it be “Apple Fruit Snacks?” I say yes. Mainly because I’m writing about them now on this site. But otherwise, I would say hell no. Don’t call them snacks if they’re candy.

Thirdly, given the make-up of our audience per Google Analytics, I’d say at least half of you wouldn’t know what Trader Joe’s is if he walked up to you and said, “oh hey I’m Trader Joe, what’s up.”

Cuz there is no Trader Joe. He’s a store. A grocery store started in Southern California (I’m pretty certain…) and then bought by a German company.

But let’s leave all this prior-review stuff to the side. And instead focus on the goods. Which is: spicy, perhaps not even candy, and likely not available to a majority of our audience!

If you thought apple snacks are for kids only – they’re not. THESE are not. These aren’t for kids at all. They’d hate them because holy shit these are spicy. I mean Real heat. So much heat that even I, a lover of all things spice, needed a break after eating like 4 morsels. I couldn’t overeat them because of how much heat they pack. I needed milk, people. I NEEDED MILK TO STOP THE JALEPEÑOS FROM EATING AWAY THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH.

The apple flavor is there, yes, but the mango is the main player. They tasted natural and ‘good for you’ although they aren’t vegan, fat- or gluten free (no added sugar though).

The texture was soft. Not gummy, more like a jelly, but moist. Some heft in there – solid throughout.

And didn’t I mention they are spicey? Because they’re firey as f(*&.

It’s s shame only people near a Trader Joe’s physical store can procure because I know some of our more risk-taking readers would love to give these a try. You could always try the Amazon market for Trader Joe’s wares.

Still, since we’ve agreed these might not even be candy, perhaps you just wasted 5 minutes reading a review that neither helped you in life, nor entertained you.

Lame.