I talk a LOT of shit about American Trolli. I call it gas station candy, because it’s in all of them. 100% of them. It’s low hanging fruit: it’s basic. Of course, German Trolli is OUTSTANDING, easily on par with Haribo. But U.S. Trolli? C’mon guys. Not feelin’ it.

However, I’ve read a lot of glowing reviews of a new Trolli offering, and like other semi-evolved humans, I’m always ready for a mea culpa — an “I was wrong,” or simply: a good review.

Guess where I found these Trolli Sour Crunchy Crawlers?

Nope, not a gas station! But a 7-11, so kinda the same thing. The idea here is a sour crunchy shell with a sour gummy inside. It’s not a new idea, but damn it it’s a fine one, and I was excited.

The flavor combos are strawberry/watermelon (pink), cherry/lime (green) and raspberry/orange (blue). The flavors are kinda fun yet super typical, except cherry/lime, which is AMAZING and I won’t hear a word against that take. As for the ingredients on the left (see pic above): don’t look. It’s a who’s who of shit not to put into your body. More on that later.

Good lord, they aint lookers, are they? Well neither are Matty or myself, so we don’t judge on that front. It’s all about taste, and eating experience, so let’s get into it.

• Strawberry/watermelon: What a weird combo. I feel like I’m only tasting strawberry, but I could be wrong. It’s fine, but the shell sure as hell isn’t “crunchy.” It just kind of pushes apart. At this point, the jury’s definitely still out.

• Cherry/lime: Man this one has a weird first taste, but then it delivers a good combo of cherry and lime. Weird aftertaste too. I’m nervous.

• Raspberry/orange: I like this one. The orange is such a great partner flavor for most candy, and it delivers here. In fact, it’s more like orange with perhaps maybe a hint of raspberry.

Final verdict? I hate to once again do it, but I can’t give these a positive review. I would have liked more crunch, like REAL crunch, but actually that’s not the issue. The issue is the weird ass chemical perfumed flavors and scents. They’re all over the place, in fact they’re primary.

I know I’m spoiled as I get a lot of foreign candy sent to me, but at this point we ALL can get candy from across the worls. And that’s what we’re here for: to point you guys towards it. And so much of the candy I’ve had in the last decade — from the UK, Germany and beyond — is naturally colored, most of the time naturally flavored, and that’s great. But the main thing they don’t have is corn syrup or high fructose this or that. So between the artificial colors and flavors which are for some reason all chemically tasting, the corn syrup and laundry list of 50 other ingredients, I just don’t need it. I don’t like it enough.

(Of course the reviews on Amazon are tops… so your milage may vary…)

There definitely exists some mainstream American candy that has total crap in it but is outstanding (I’m looking right at ya, Skittles), but that’s the exception to the rule. Life is too short to eat candy like this when you don’t have to. And you don’t have to.

But if you reallllllly want it, I’d recommend Smog Balls by toxic waste, which taste way better, are crunchier, and more sour.

Trolli still sucks.