Like the Montagues and Capulets, the battle between Red Vines and Twizzlers has captured the hearts and minds of people for ages.  And when I say “people”, I mean me, Matty, and like 4 other acquaintances.  But it’s important.

Red Vines traditionally were like the cool kid : nothing overtly special, he wast just cool.  The red things you get at the movies?  Cool.  You could buy the same thing in stores, tasted the same, were reliable..  Later, a black licorice version became available.  But more or less, for years and years, it was Red Vines or Black Vines, nothing else.  Sure, there were a lot of people who didn’t like them, but…there were a hell of a lot more who did.

Along came Twizzlers, who I liken to that annoying kid who was kinda amusing, but moreso, pathetic.  He’d do things like try to bribe you to come over to his house to play, luring you with the promise of cool snacks or a look at his Dad’s Playboys.   At times, he’d be ayeet to hang with, but…usually you’d opt to meet Red Vines at the park.

It’s immediately obvious, the difference between Twizzlers and Red Vines– if not, we’ve written about both, so catch up when you can.  Twizzlers generally were a slicker, firmer, weirder, less tasty Red Vine.  Artificial in every way, they have a very specific audience.  For years, I hated them, but with time, I learned to occasionally appreciate a Twiz or two.  Never really more than that, as the plastic-esque consistency always got to me after a while.

My brother picked up a bag of Twizzy’s latest offering : “Sweet and Sour Filled Twists”.  As he gave them to me, he said, “These look like they suck”.  Thanks bro!

The first thing I noticed when I opened the bag was that, unlike Red Vines, these new bastardized Twizzlers clump together not unlike intestines, freshly gutted out of a large fish.  The second thing I noticed was the unbelievable sweet stink coming off of them-fragrant, floral, scary.  The third, and by far most disturbing observation I made was the physical feel of these things- gone was the plastic I had grown to accept.  These were…spongy and soft, with a plastic looking sheen.  Even creepier.

I’m gonna cut to the chase-there’s something horribly, horribly wrong with these.  Before you even take a bite, your body’s internal defense mechanism takes over, telling you to be afraid.  My friends wouldn’t even try them last night.  Of course, Jonny Guru Jr. thinks they’re “Awesome, Dad!  Awesome!”.  But he doesn’t know a lot. Notice him trying to rip me off, and yes, he has painted fingernails. Aren’t they awesome??!?!!

While we’re on the subject, does anyone else find it amusing that the word “awesome” has changed from the only way to describe things like the heavens parting, plagues of locusts, volcanos erupting, etc, to the go-to term to describe Twizzlers or Star Wars Transformers?  And before you get cute, yes, there are Star Wars Transformers toys.  Trust me.

1906 : “An earthquake of awesome magnitude hit San Francisco….”

2010 : “Dude, that chicken parm was awesome!”

Sigh.

Everything about these are wrong.  Like regular Twizzlers, flavor identifying is out the window.  There’s yellow and red.  And inside each…tube, is a soft, sticky, “goo”.  Not a wet juice type thing, but more a spongy soft candy poo, just waiting to be dribbled into your mouth.

Look, I know it’s disgusting- that’s why I’m telling you now.  Not that you had the strongest urge to buy these, but…if you did, don’t.  Compared to these, normal Strawberry Twizzlers are amazing.  On top of all the bad taste and smell and consistency issues is the caloric info- Only TWO of these things qualify as one 130 calorie serving.  So you can either have 2 of these or 13 Zots.  or 10 pieces of Sour Cola haribo Bottles.  Not worth it, no way, no how.

Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s been a while for this reviewer, but….we finally have another spitter!  Grab the trash can!

I’m not saying that those sad sacks weirdo kids who had kick ass treats at their houses to compensate for their lack of personality aren’t worthy of love too- they are. These Twizzlers are not. Any candy that not only smells rank, but that also physically resembles puss gooping out of adolescent zits aint for me. Most def not awesome.