Jesus I’m so enamored by European candy, I’m so clouded by what I think would have to be a good candy that upon first eat, I always assume “yeah these will be good.”

But see, they’re not. Like these. Are not.

The European thing isn’t the lone excuse here though. Yes, most candies from across the pond are better than what we get in America. (They have better recipes, more experience making the stuffs, and they just take it way more seriously.) But in the case of these Alpenbauer Wassermelone candies, the packaging is also culpable.

Look at the pic above: don’t you just want to love this candy going in? There’s going to be a big gooey soft center that will ooze a powerful (and possibly citrus-y…See the Vitamin C tag…) watermelon flavor into your mouth. It should be like the all-spectacular Jolly Rancher only German and perfect.

um no.

First off, they taste nothing like watermelon. Mrs. Guru thought at first, Kiwi. Then banana. When I said ‘what about apple?’ she was like ‘oh yeah, apple.’
NO. These are ridiculously titled watermelon, at which Mrs. Guru nodded reluctantly.

And where the F is the goo? There’s a chew to these but only slight. I was expecting Freshen Up gum.

THE PACKAGE SHOWS GOO GODDAMMIT.

The real picture does not.

And there was no citrus flavor.

Boo.
Lackuster.
Boring.
Not worth it.
Sigh.